Tomorrow is Halloween, and I’m not sure who’s more excited about it .. me, or my 2 year old Cooper. But we’re each looking forward to it for different reasons.
For him, of course, it’s all about the candy (one of his favorite things, like any child) .. but for me, it’s watching him discover new things and simply be who he is — curious, daring and carefree.
And just like his dad, he’s not particularly fond of dressing up in costumes and pretending to be something he’s not.
This past week, we completed 5 intensive days of coaching with our VIP Program and 90 Day Breakthrough Members, and during the sessions, it became clear to me what is keeping us from really connecting and being deeply happy and fulfilled in our lives.
The secret isn’t making more money, getting more time, meeting more people or anything else. It’s much simpler than that .. and if you’re committed to truly transforming your life, you can make it happen starting today. Here’s how.
For this round of coaching sessions, we invited a good friend of ours, Philip McKernan, to come and work with our clients. Philip’s an incredible guy who, among other things, has a powerful ability to help cut through the lies that people are telling themselves. What he does is difficult to describe, but he basically helps people tear through the layers of hurt and deception they’ve built up over the years, allowing them to get clear and ‘real’ with themselves.
We’ve had Philip speak at our events a few times in the past, and has always been one of the crowd favorites. Aside from his content, I think what makes him most powerful is that he is committed to being authentic in his life. He doesn’t try to sugar-coat things, and he tells it like it is.
He’s one of the few people I’ve met that will be frank and honest about what they’re thinking, instead of telling you what you want to hear. Philip and I get along well because we share this in common — an impatience with people who are trying to fool themselves.
Spending time with Philip reminded me again just how many masks people are wearing in their daily lives.
We all grow up, expected to act and behave in a certain way. Many people are encouraged (or forced) to suppress their real feelings, or to pretend to be something they’re not so they can make someone else happy.
Growing up, we all feel hurt and sadness, but instead of learning to talk about it and work it out, most people learn to bottle it up, and pretend everything is okay. In other words .. we learn to put masks on to hide who we really are, and what we really feel.
We do it so often, and so unconsciously, that we completely lose a sense of who we really are underneath all the masks and layers. It gets to the point where it’s impossible to have an authentic, deep connection with another person .. because we don’t even know who we are any more.
This is what I call the Crisis of Connection, which I think is a major epidemic in the world today. What’s incredible is that we’re more connected than ever before through text messaging, email, instant messaging, voicemail, Facebook, Twitter and everything else .. yet most people are feeling desperately lonely and disconnected.
Think about it — we count success online as how many “Facebook friends” we have .. yet we don’t even KNOW most of the people on our “friend” list!
How To Remove Your Masks
If you can relate to what I’m saying, then hopefully you agree it’s time to start taking the masks off.
Now,
this isn’t an easy process, because it means changing what you’ve been doing for many years.
In fact, it can be scary to do this, because it goes against your instincts. Most of us put masks on automatically, because we’re afraid of being judged or rejected. Yet, the more you put the masks on, the more impossible it becomes to have an authentic connection with anyone.
The root of authenticity is vulnerability. And that’s why so many people have a hard time being authentic .. because they’re afraid of being vulnerable. They’re scared to let people see them for who they are.
What if they judge me? What if they don’t like me? What if they laugh at me?
As I’ve written about before,
I believe that authenticity is going to be the single most powerful characteristic of success (and good marketing) in the future.
People who choose not to be authentic, and instead try to hide behind masks, stories and lies will never achieve sustainable success.
So this isn’t just a theoretical “be a better person” discussion —
this is truly at the heart of you being successful in your business, and your life.
If you’re ready to start removing the masks you wear, here’s where it starts — decide right now that you are going to be vulnerable with someone important in your life. Today.
If it’s your spouse, who things have been rocky with lately, decide that you’re going to be vulnerable. Maybe it’s a friend that you had a disagreement with recently, and felt a loss of connection.
Decide that your happiness is important enough to be vulnerable with that person.
The risk you take is that the person doesn’t respond in kind. And by the way, you
SHOULD expect this — because if you’ve been wearing masks for a long time, they likely won’t take your effort as authentic.
If you’ve been disrespectful or uncaring to someone for some time, you won’t alter their belief about you in one conversation.
DON’T let that stop you. Because this isn’t about them.
It’s about you.
Be vulnerable with them.
And then be vulnerable again.
And again.
And if you do this consistently, you can turn around almost ANY relationship in your life that you feel isn’t where you want it to be.
Ultimately,
you’ll gain tremendous personal power and clarity when you do this — much like my son Cooper loves to run around in the summer sun naked, there’s a sense of freedom and living that comes with throwing off your masks and being who you really are.
This is similar to the concept in martial arts that teaches not to resist an opponent’s force. When you stop resisting, suddenly the other people reduces their attack or force in kind.
And what if that person never responds to your efforts? That no matter how authentic and real you get with them, they refuse to do the same?
Well, recognize that not everyone is able to do this easily. And at that point, I’d say that you need to make a decision. You need to try and help that person see the light themselves. Or, that might be someone that isn’t healthy for you to have in your life.
Hey, I said this wasn’t easy, right?
If it’s someone in your family that you just can’t move out of your life, then it means likely spending less time with them if they’re not contributing to a positive relationship.
Here’s the bottom line — if you accept a bunch of insincere, phony and artificial relationships in your life, you’re going to end up feeling disconnected, alone, and longing for that authentic sense of self. Life’s too short to live this way.
So, on this Halloween weekend, I encourage you to think about the masks that you wear .. and when Halloween has passed again this year, that you think about becoming authentic and sharing who you really are with the world.
What do you think? Please post a comment below and
share YOUR thoughts.
Are you wearing masks that you’re ready to throw away?]]>
30 Responses
Greg,
Thanks for a good article.
After watching Dr. Phil on the Oprah Show, and on his own show for many years,
I read “Self Matters”, by Dr. Phil McGraw. After finishing that, I began reading,
“The Self Matters Companion”, a workbook with exercises, by Dr. Phil. About
halfway through the exercises, WHAM! I got a ‘REAL’ look at myself.
I was astonished; my mask fell off, and I looked through my denial, to see my
written answers to the exercises as wishful crap, evidence of my phony life,
and nowhere near the truth.
A lifetime of preference falsification lies became apparent.
Habitual cowering servitude, in praise of abusive relationships, from day one;
became more manageable.
Ignorance, was my bliss. I was an unwitting victim, most of my life. Now,
I realize it more often, as it is happening. We are all struggling, with various
forms of ignorance and denial, in ourselves and in others.
Understanding what actually happened on 9-11, is an even better way
to honor all of US victims.
Zeitgeist Full Movie 2010 Updated Version by: Peter Joseph http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=guXirzknYYE
Live, Learn, and $hare,
Jay Allison
you are right, I have thought this way all along (I teach ccd (not paid, but pays in other ways)) It would be good to talk to other people who are authentic because it seems you (I ) have to spend time trying to unpeel or uncover their masks …and that seems not to be the "job" of entrepreneur who as a business person measures time as money. What do you think?
Thanks Greg. Powerfully relevant and clear.
You have inspired me to ‘run naked in a field’ at least once today.
🙂
Wow! Thank you Greg…
We can only achieve the success that we long for ~ when we are willing to receive the instruction necessary to change. You stopped me in my tracks today and have given me the technique necessary to implement a change that I need.
It is evident that you are a gifted leader… able to receive and give inspiration… Thank you for passing that on to us.
Blessings & Favor!
I am so glad you are bringing attention this very important matter. To succeed with gusto and energy we need to be authentic, real, vulnerable and teachable…
I long for true connection with others and grateful to have good friends I can connect with on deep “core” levels.
I appreciate your work and look forward to learning more from you.
Take care and have a great Halloween weekend with your family –
Blessings!
Maryalice
Great article. Very timely! Authenticity is the key!
Yes, its time to take off our masks.
Here are some of my masks I want to take off:
The mask of “I’ve got it all together”
The mask of “I can do it on my own”
The mask of “I’m better than you”
Taking off our masks is an act of self-love.
Thanks for the reminder!!!
First of all, this is excellent Blog content….. You are surprisingly content rich……
You start out with this thing I’ve been working on……. How do you SLOWLY….. STEP BY STEP…….. Share your new insights so that you can contribute to the people around you.
I don’t want to make the mistakes Cults and Religion leaders and Motivation experts have all made….. Cycle after cycle…..
THEY ALL SUGGEST YOU REJECT THE PEOPLE CLOSEST TO YOU BECAUSE YOU”VE CHANGED.
How many times do you mistake, “the best they can do……. relationships…” for the copout choice of just trivializing these people as……. insincere, phony and artificial relationships in your life?
How many times do you mistake, “the they just can’t see what you are talking about. ” for the copout choice of just trivializing these people as……. insincere, phony and artificial relationships in your life?
Remember, you are the changing one….. Why haven’t you shared your change with them until it now becomes a giant step for them?
Remember, you didn’t change overnight. Be as patient with them as you are patient with yourself!
What you, Bob, say resonates with me. I also have heard many times that I should re-consider the people I associate with because "I become what my friends are" and I also feel that some relationships must be worth the extra effort of trying to be an influence in their lives as I make improvements in my own life.
As I change, I want the people I care about to be with me on this new plane of living, most of all my family, and, if I can, my friends too.
I suppose the tough decisions will come when the ones I love reject my changes and, possibly even, the new me. I hope I will be able to say to myself that I have been a good friend, that I have served and loved them enough.
This is a great article Greg. It is key to great body and health too.
I work with people around their health and wellness and being our authentic self in the world relinquishes the pain and suffering at the cellular level. Supressing emotions causes dis-ease within the body temple. The shadow side that so many people fear is only the part of our unconscious that we don't understand. People assume it is something that is wrong with them..
When people listen to their bodies they can connect into their own self deception. It is amazing watching people's businesses build when I only focus on their bodies. Your body is your business. Being authentic and letting go of the masks has changed my life for the better and I am glad that there are folks in the business world writing this kind of material too, because it didn't used to be the norm.
Thank you that was a great article.
Hey Greg,
We are all wearing masks, because in ower society there are some manners
of behaviour ,conduct and conventional rules.Ee don't say everything to everyone
,it's not accepted.Because of this some time some people behave in hypocrite manner.
Ower life are meaningless when we are wearing masks and have not authenthic and true
connection and communication wiht other people.
Greg- I must it felt I was going to open your email leading me to your Blog today because wow as I was sitting reading The Christian Science monitor this Am, I came across an article titled: The Rise of Hamas’s military wings witch led me to getting an eerie feeling of sadness as to how we hide behind masks of pain that turn to rage and feelings we could avoid if we would address them from their start. So I went on to pray: Divine Mind what should my practical prayer be in this peril times in the world on behalf of world peace? In other words how can I make a difference Now? Then I went on to write, ‘Halloween’ Taking off the divisible mask of separation. Thank you so much for your message Greg and is so timely that I am getting a chilling felling from its arrival.
Great post Greg! I quite agree. We do so often not want to be vulnerable. We have been taught well that no matter what our feelings are, put on a good face/show and not let anyone see who we really are. That will make for a peaceful occasion! I work hard at being authentic without diminishing those around me and as you say, those close to home are the toughest to handle. Just keep plugging away! It makes you feel so much more free with authenticity.
If ALL the People in this World throw their Masks they are wearing, then it will be a wonderful World to live in.
I would further add that give UNCONDITIONAL LOVE to everyone you meet in this world and see the response you get will be infinite.
Also when you wake up, start thanking each and everyone who has helped you, one way or other in your life.
By doing this your EGO which is the biggest Culprit will dissolve and you will always be a Blissful person.
Happy Halloween Greg.
Thanks for this message – yes, we all wear masks, but I think some of them are OK – like when you’re having a conversation with someone who begins to talk about a recent illness that they suffered. I believe that by focusing on health, I can help others do the same, so my “mask” is to affirm their current health and move them (and our conversation) along to better things. Actually, perhaps it’s not a mask, since I feel authentically me…
There are other deceptions we indulge in – long-term relationships require a bit of decorum…if I told my husband some of the things my heart tells me…well – there are moments for total honesty, but those have a time and place. Sometimes the best way to love your partner is to keep some things to yourself 😉
Guess I’m wondering what you mean by mask – how does this idea jive with speaking, thinking, and doing positive things in your life to manifest what you want? Sometimes we think of “masks” as bandaids covering wounds. You must be referring to them as something different…Like just speaking your heart all the time?
Lots to think about!
Hi Ginger:
When I say masks, I'm referring to the situation where we purposely hide who we really are, because we're afraid of being judged, or try to be someone that other people want us to be. You're not wearing a mask if you're being authentic, like the example you gave. There's a difference between wearing a mask, and communicating in a loving and supportive way with the people in your life. I understand what you're saying and it's really a matter of what you're comfortable with .. but the more that you avoid disclosing things to your spouse or anyone else, just realize that that means they know you just a little bit less as well.
well said, well said.
I am grateful to be on your list and receive the deep messages you have for us. I can feel that your heart is in it.
Rare and necessary.
anne marie
Hi Gregg
you are absolutely ‘nail on the head right’ and I can only comment about myself.
Hiding behind the mask of I’ll be found out or found wanting in some way.
There is many a day when I’m not being authentic with either myself or others!
In social networks we tend to hide behind usermnamse and or psuedonyms. Why?
Hi Leslie – that's a great point. I've always been uncomfortable using "screen names" and such, and have always required my own clients to use their real names in my membership sites, etc. Never thought about it until you mentioned it – but yes, it's interesting to watch people try to hide who they really are when they get online. And yes, sometimes there is a security reason, but most of the time it's just trying to avoid being who they really are.
Very true words, something I know I give to others but for myself it is all so easy to become that masked lady so not to have to look at it. Thanks for the written word as I will keep trying for myself.
why it has to be “not easy”? is it really necessary to push? maybe it’s depending on mindset? if you believe it has to be hard – it will. and the oposite.
recently I have found “Self Talk”. it’s easy to use and simple tool for mindset upgrade 🙂
Janis, when I say it's not easy, it's the same context as when you try to start a new habit that you've never had. For example, if you've never gotten up in the morning and gone for a walk or a jog, if you try doing that it's not easy. The truth is, physically taking a short walk isn't taxing.. but mentally it's not easy, because it's creating a new habit which is not easy for most people. And becoming more open and authentic is about creating a new habit. Hope that clarifies.
Also: being authentic is difficult because we're often self delusional. In other words: we know we "should" go for a walk or run in the morning, but we don't always know who we really are below the mask.
best blog yet Greg 🙂
Love this Greg! Especially the power of vulnerability. Happy Halloween from our family to yours 🙂
Love and light,
Lourdes Elardo-Gant, http://www.lourdeselardo-gant.com
Fantastic Greg,
I believe this is the missing link to all sorts of business coaching and personal growth.
Strategies, goal setting, and even becoming a trusted authority must come after this work of getting authentic.
The issue with many training and coaching programs is that the students don't stop to figure this out before they proceed with the training. I know this from experience. I've wasted a lot of time and money training myself on things I had no authentic passion for.
If your clients have this opportunity to figure that out, and then combined with your phenomenal program, they will absolutely crush whatever endeavour they choose.
I commend you for being not only engaged, but also enlightened.
Thanks for raising the bar.
Zander
I think it's funny. There's little sayings like "Everything happens for a reason." and "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." and the subject of authenticity, vulnerability and it's relation to my success is something that's been popping up for me over and over the past couple of weeks. Thank you for this article Greg. I'm hungry to learn more.
Cheers,
Jeff Schneider
The Marketing Ninja
This is exactly what I've been struggling with recently and part of what's motivating me to get out there in business for myself. I've found that now that I'm not working for someone else, I feel such freedom to really be myself. And the sad thing is, I've been 'adapting' for so long to fit what was required and expected of me, that I have to really search to find the true authentic me now. I'm taking your "Authority Formula" now and finding it so helpful, as well as your blogs. I'm on the road back – thanks for all your insights and inspiration, Greg!